Wisdom Wednesday #5 - Self Expectations

Imagine scrolling through your favorite social media feed when you stumble upon a post from someone your age. You have never seen them before, but they boast about how they accomplished something you’ve long aspired to do. Instantly, you cannot help but wonder, “why am I not there yet?” You feel hopeless as if you have spent your life not doing enough. It tears you apart. 

To catch up, you decide it is a fantastic idea to set goals beyond what you know is achievable. But when those goals prove to be unattainable, the disappointment deepens—because now, not only did you fail to meet your initial expectations, butyou also couldn’t set goals that felt within reach.

Many people fall into the trap of striving for perfection after performing below their expectations. It becomes a vicious cycle—shooting for the stars only to feel crushed when you can't even break the stratosphere.

Everyone has met this same fate—caught in the trap of letting comparing our success to others’ be our only success metric—at least once before. These unrealistic expectations and comparisons always rob us of our joy, peace, self-worth, and even progress.

Yes, it is beyond important to set goals so that we can strive for excellence, but we need to avoid letting our morale be determined by how we did relative to others and embrace individuality. Everybody’s journey is different. What is seen on social media is always superficial and makes everybody’s life look like a prime Michael Jordan highlight reel. It always skips over the airballs, intercepted passes, and fouls while focusing on the buzzer-beater three-pointer to win the game. We never see the struggles, failures, and setbacks that everybody inevitably faces. Shaping our mindset around a skewed reality sets us up for a false standard—an illusion that is impossible to ground into reality.

Focusing on the performance of others forces us to blur what truly matters: our progress and growth. Success isn’t a set formula that works for everyone. Your journey, aspirations, and timeline are all individual to you. Just because something works for another person does not mean that it is the answer for you. What’s important is that you find and set goals that you can attain. They need to be realistic for you—not for anyone else.

It is possible to strive for excellence while avoiding chasing perfection. You can set goals that challenge you while respecting your limits. These incremental improvements will boost your morale and make setting higher goals possible. Through this, you recognize your self-worth independent of how far along others are on their journey. Keeping individuality and focusing on what truly matters to you will break away from the negative habit of comparison.

Admittedly, I have fallen victim to this several times. I remember a specific example where over the summer I competed in the nationals bowling Junior Gold Championships in Detroit. I came in relatively unprepared, rarely practicing and competing in smaller tournaments to gain the necessary experience. I had ignored the weak points in my game, and when they persisted during tournament play, I became frustrated. There was a point in the tournament where I was ranked 65th out of nearly 1700 bowlers. 

I set this standard in my head that I needed to perform as well as I did to be ranked so high the entire tournament, which ruined my mental game. I became frustrated at every little mistake, refusing to step away from the game to take a breather or speak with my parents to alleviate my stress. 

Undoubtedly, I wanted to be the best. It had been my second year competing at this national tournament, and I set high expectations that I felt I needed to accomplish or else it would be a failure of an experience. I failed to realize that I needed to broaden my view and recognize that even making it to the big stages was a success in itself.

Rather than setting goals I knew were within reach, I set crazy standards to outperform those who had been competing since they were toddlers when I had started just two years ago. Though I knew I had the potential to match up against them, I set out to specifically outperform them in every aspect of the game. When I did not, I became frustrated, thus making me feel inadequate. 

After the tournament, I took about a month's break to reset my mind and ground myself in reality. I came back knowing that I was still learning the strategies and improving myself. I returned with a new mindset, allowing me to regain my confidence. I had worked on my weak points, thus drastically improving my overall game. Though I am not perfect, I learned to accept that this is okay—nobody is. I focused on what I wanted to improve, and with the support of others, things started to change. I became satisfied with where I had come from, regaining my love for the sport. My progress, no matter how small, became more meaningful and I learned to appreciate the journey for what it was—unique to me and worthwhile.

Reflecting on this experience, I realized the importance of grounding myself in reality and setting attainable goals. In a world where the expectation is to outperform those around you, it is vital to remember that all of our paths are individual. Straying from those critical self-expectations may be hard, but it is a crucial step toward self-appreciation and fulfillment.

As we continue on our respective journeys, let’s remember that our progress is our own and shouldn’t be determined by others. Every step forward counts and should be appreciated, and it is okay to go at your own pace. So, take a moment to reflect on what success means to you, set realistic goals, and celebrate every achievement along the way.

Ultimately, success is not how you stack up against others; it is about staying true to yourself and celebrating your accomplishments along the way. Thank you for reading, and I look forward to the next edition. Peace and love.

- Jaime Paladi, Public Relations
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